took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
