I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
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