I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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