Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
