i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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