I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
