I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It's never too late to be topless.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
