there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
