I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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