so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Floor bacon is actually really good
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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