wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
