Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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