I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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