She's JV to your varsity
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
