Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
