The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
