A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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