I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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