I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
