Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
