is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
