He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
