I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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