He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
