the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just forgot I was standing up.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
