Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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