both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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