i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Sorry about my life...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
