Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
