for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
