So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
