i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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