Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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