Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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