Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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