she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
