hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
