Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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