youre lurking in front of me
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
