Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I am midnight drunk by noon
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
