I wish life had little blips of pornography
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Text me some of your sweat
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
