if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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