My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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