if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
