Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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