xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
