I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
