Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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