I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
it's like iHOP with fire
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
