last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize