Got a toothbrush?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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