Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i drank out of a bidet.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
