why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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