Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
