Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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