Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
