fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
