So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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