Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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