I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
operation have a gay friend backfired
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
