Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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