my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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