when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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