I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
