using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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