I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
