Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
