Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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